"I have dreamt in my life.......

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, 

to front only the essential facts of life, 

and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, 

when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live 

what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, 

unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the 

marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was 

not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, 

and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, 

why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, 

and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, 

to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account 

of it in my next excursion."- Henry David Throeau

i was wondering about my writing today

maybe i'm too heavy maybe what i say

is too much.

i'm not always heavy but my thoughts are a lot of the time, 

but i never realized they were till i started writing them.  

it's what matters most to me.

i remember in english class with ms. beckwith

we read waldon pond. great book! 

a lot of reactions in class were negative to this book

i felt weird because i actually loved it!

i love the idea of getting the most out of life, even the bad.

i love the idea of living deliberately 

of sucking the marrow out of life.

"living is so dear".

a few nights ago we went out to dinner with my family.

 it was really fun

but what i came away with was 

a sense of my own mortality.

my dad talked about my accident.

is it weird that i forgot, that i forget that i broke my neck

that i almost died?

i take everything so laid back, that breaking my neck 

seemed just another thing.

but you know as i realize that many have died from car accidents, 

i remember that i could have died

that i almost did.

i remember that after i woke up from my comatose state

that i thought i'm glad to be alive,

but i was ready to die if i had.

i remember that i sort of wish i had died

not in a morbid sense, 

but just that in that moment i would have had no regrets in this life,

i didn't have anybody i needed to apologize too or forgive.

i was ready.

life is so precious,

often though i view this life as a means to an end

eternity.

but as i read this quote from thoreau 

i know that even though i view this life as a means to an end

our end is determined by the means

so i mean to live this life as a means 

but to do it with all the energy and soul that i have

to suck as much out of it as i can before my next life starts.