"beauty is in the eye of the gazer"

-charlotte bronte

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"Judging is preventing us from understanding a new truth.

Free yourself from the rules of old judgments and create space

for new understanding"

i feel like i'm surrounded.

when we judge other people 

that's all we can see.

why do i have to worry about offending

another person when i did the best i could.

when what i did or do is because of my own 

choices, my own goals or my own insecurities.

what i chose to do had nothing to do with them,

sometimes it has something to do with them but not 

like they think, all i want to do is do the best that 

i 

can

but how can i when i have to worry about someone

thinking worse of me for choosing my own path 

my own way and overcoming weakness.

i've learned that 

i 

can't

i can't achieve my own path my own strengths 

if i worry what other people think 

so 

i 

don't

most of the time

and when i forget to forget about others judgements

i have a slight melt down, i wake up in a cold sweat worried

but then i remember

i 

did the best that i could and i still do the best that i can.

so who cares if other people don't like my style or what i eat

or how i write or that i don't cook or that i like to laugh at nothing

or sometimes okay all the time i say what i'm thinking and it sounds 

crazy..maybe a lot of the time

who cares that i like to close my eyes and dream, that i sing and pray 

all the time every where

i 

care

that i like who i am i like that i'm weird and quirky and random

and grounded, insane but sane, indecisive but when it matters

more decisive then anyone i know

i 

like 

me 

and that's all that matters, i'm not worried  about anyone else's life

i leave that to them, because when i look at others

like they are doing the best they can 

then i understand

i learn so much more about them, and people are willing to trust me

because i trust them, i'm realistic;

everyone is weak everyone is strong

and everyone has a different role to play and i like learning about them

and how they've played out so far

and i like to see how maybe they'll play out in the future.

so here's to eyes wide open, to understanding not judging

i'm trying to go somewhere,

come if you want but here's to somewhere

one day my somewhere will have a name

but until then here it is... 

365 days of it

writing whatever floats in or out or passes by.. 

where are you going I ask

why won’t you stop and look at me

why wont you see me for who I am

not for who you want to me to be

when will you realize

realize that what you hope to see is what I’ve seen all along

every day you see what you want to see

not what’s really there

sometimes you look a little longer dig a little deeper

but not when it counts

when it counts you skim you shield eyes that would see

and recognize what you really are what you really could be

being

hoping that one-day being won’t merely be being anymore

but that

being

will become something more

something like

living, breathing,

soaring

soaring beyond bounds

soaring

so far and so long and so joyously

that

being

once a nightmare becomes a wisp of regret

too many things running

so many things stalling

stopping

running

where do they go when stopping, running or stalling

are no longer an option

do they drift in the outer reaches of my brain

never to be seen again

do they disintegrate into nothingness after all my somethings

consume them

skimming the surface

it seems satisfying

why though?

when I can’t accept it

it doesn’t satisfy it scratches at my insides

till I feel I’ll go crazy with wanting to

dive into the depths

depths that so many seem satisfied

never skimming

if something happened that you only ever thought about

what would you do

Would you just think about it some more

would you rashly act

or would you know before no matter what happened

what you would do?

I like to think about what

I know I would do.

I woke up this morning wondering what the day

would bring

sleep is almost here and I’m still wondering what the day

has brought

staring at the interplay of shadow and light I wonder

when did the shadows meet the light

when I blinked when I was too busy to notice

eventually the light is devoured by dark

will I be this way?

will I blink or be too busy to notice?

will I be left staring at the interplay of a shadow?

sometimes I’m running

sometimes I’m still

or far away or near

but most disturbing of all

is when I’m crawling

crawling with head down

trying desperately to reach
but seemingly never reaching 

that distant horizon

again

so that I can be still

is this it?

is this all?

is this all i was made for

do i have the strength to answer that

what if what i think, isn’t true at all and

the truth i’m searching for is just beyond my grasp

what if i never find it

what if i never realize the potential sitting, waiting,

sometimes shouting sometimes droned out 

how will i deal with it

how will i breathe past the overwhelming hurt 

the overwhelming knowledge; 

that all i could do never got done?

who will i be then, will i be left wondering

is that it?

is that all?

today i found myself confronted

not by anything mortal or that

the eye could see,

but with something more infinitely important

pride

i found it in the oddest of places, sitting in a pew

in a black dress listening to my thoughts

to say i was shaken was an understatement.

i’ve been in this situation before but this time

i saw my thoughts for what they were,

pride

it was almost unbearable this reckoning this 

realization that i could be so weak and petty as 

to have the feelings and thoughts i had,

my breath was knocked from me i silently rocked 

back and forth tears forming, when all i wanted to do was

scream out my shame, tear out my hair, anything

anything but this awful knowledge of my own petty

pride

i prayed in my solitary agony surrounded by people

that God would take this from me.

take it and never let me feel my own foolishness and

pride

again.

confronted i was in despair, then an agony so strong that 

i shook from every fiber of my being, body and soul.

but as i prayed a light came and i knew

i knew that even though i had this pride i was still worthy

even though i saw my weaknesses and realized i’d never be

as great as I thought i’d be i saw that one day i could be better.

i saw that in my realization came understanding 

that one day God would hear this plea too and all my 

pride 

would be gone.

via-pinterest

it's amazing that no matter where you are if you only look for it you can

find meaning ;

last night i went to paranorman;  against my better judgement

or maybe in this case against my worse judgement.

because from the moment the movie started.. i loved it!

i began loving the animation, the quality

of art that went into it, the attention to detail.

then i began loving the characters and the 

quiet humor & wit the movie had.

then i fell in the love with the message.

in a world of media and literature that delights in the “good” taking revenge 
on the bad, i’ve  always gotten sort of squirmy in my seat and on my insides 
thinking “really is this what we want to hold up as good and right?” that if something 
or someone is bad to us we must somehow take it out on them or on others?

well let me tell you paranorman was refreshing

because of this very idea.  rather then seeking 

revenge, although he was treated very badly by

everyone, norman seeks to help another to forgive

and in turn never tries to seek retribution for himself.

what a concept.

that a movie can be made where no one is truly bad

but everyone is human and there’s one little boy who

knows that, and knows that along with the bad stuff 

there is the good, and to not take it out on others, but

to forgive.

“forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a 

miracle by which what is broken is made whole again,

what is soiled is again made clean” 

what would our world be like if everyone chose to forgive?

i love us...

what do you say when you have everything to say.  

where do you start when there seems to be no end?  

i feel at a crossroads again.  

it’s funny how you can hope and wish and pray day in and day out

almost every second for something to happen, and when it does 
you cry, laugh or lay as still as possible to soak it all in.  

but then  you forget, you forget that you SO desperately wanted this.  

you may have been grateful at one point but soon the day in and day out sets in 

again and it all becomes so common place again, you start to hope, wish and pray 

for another thing to happen, starting the cycle all over again.  what i’ve been asking lately is; 

when will it end?  when will i finally decide to be happy? 

to be content with who i am and have patience?  when will i find what it is life holds?

you know what i’ve decided, not till the end - but there never really will be an end,

 so i don’t think i will ever find that one thing life holds.  because this life is a 

culmination of discoveries it’s a culmination of moments, feelings, people, and 

experiences.  when i learn something or gain something then it starts over because 

i’m weak and because i have more and more to learn, to do, to experience.  

so i’m happy with what i’ve found in my road so far.  i’ve found God which in 

turn colors all my moments, feelings, experiences, and how i view people. 

i’ve found misery, joy, forgiveness, truth, sorrow, falsehoods, weakness, 

strength, happiness, peace, chaos, i’ve been found, i’ve been lost, i’ve 

stretched myself to the point i thought i would break.  but when it came 

time to break i found still more room to stretch.  

what have you found?

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“the Christian thinks any good he does comes 
from the Christ-life within him.  He does not think God 
will love us because we are good, but that God will make 
us good because He loves us; just as the roof of a 
greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, 
but becomes bright because the sun shines on it.” - C.S. Lewis

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silence whispers in.

a slow steady thrum

then;

a pound.

a scream.

stillness screaming.

                

                                                   image- pinterest